You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
