Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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