There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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