I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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