He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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