Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
