K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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