you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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