my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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