Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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