Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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