I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
whose parrot is this?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
