how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
