I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
