Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
do nipples grow back?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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