You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
