My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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