The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
