omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Couch. On fire.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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