alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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