I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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