my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
