My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
