Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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