I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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