i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
