Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
