I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
