ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
