I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
