The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
