my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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