I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
