She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
