Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
