Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
