i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
