i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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