ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
