No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
