i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I need a beard to bite.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
