I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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