guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize