can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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