I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
