she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
