Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
