Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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