i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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