ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
