YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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