oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize