Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
