Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
