so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
