if i can run in heels then i can drive
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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