Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
