You smell like stripper and shame
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
